"Apple Retail is coming off its best year ever! Here's our cool new NYC store on 5th Avenue. We were going to open one up in Redmond, but we realized that the shoplifting rate would be too high in that neighborhood."
"A few months ago, we previewed the hot new version of OS X, codenamed Leopard. It will recover your files from the void between galaxies and stuff. I also mentioned that there were a few top secret features that we didn't want to reveal, because we thought that someone in Redmond might steal them. Well, they're still top secret, and we'd tell you why, but that's classified. The only person who knows is the spy who loved me. Joan, you KGB bitch, who's the man now? Who's the man? Oh yeah! Wooooo!"
"When we introduced iTunes Movies, we also talked about something called iTV. We're putting it on shelves today, and now you'll be able to use your Mac as a media center for your TV and home stereo, wirelessly. Wow."
"Did you get a new full-sized iPod for Christmas? Sucker. Peep dis shit."
"iLife. It's your life. Digital. Photos. Movies. Music. Blogs. Blogs about blogs. There's a new version out. It does more things than the last one. NEXT."
"iWork. Is anyone using this shit aside from me? I mean, really. It's sooooo cool that I can tell people to write software just for me and then tell other people to put it in a box and display it. Makes me hard. Well, anyway, here's a new one, does more than the last. NEXT."
"We also sell computers. In fact, we've sold more of them last year than ever. Comptuers are cool. Here's a new one. It's white, it has processors and thingys in it, and it runs OS X better than the previous white one with processors and stuff. BYE."